Monday, June 13, 2011

When your plate is too full

I haven't blogged in a long time and to tell the truth, I thought I was done with blogging for good. My life has consisted of work, starting grad school, doctors appointments, headaches, a husband who has had to increase his travel for work (this is not a husband bash,just a fact), and dealing with life with a chronic condition.

In March my life was transformed, I saw things through a new set of eyes and a new heart. I spent more time alone with God in 5 days than I had in my whole life and it was life changing. I will never be the same. I forgave, I cried, I learned just how much our Father loves ME! I came home and I was knocked on my knees and I have been there ever since.

I came home to a 12 day headache that only subsided after three trips to the doctor and 4 injections, those were some of the worst days I have ever had. My headaches only continued after that, and I was prescribed a medication that helped my headaches but made me feel sluggish and depressed.

I was so tired of fitting the puzzle pieces together, increase this medicine, take this one away, be a single mom, be a student, be a teacher, wife, friend, we are budding leaders at our church. I was overwhelmed and full and empty at the same time. I was a perfect target for Satan to attack me and he did, he attacked my marriage, my self-esteem, my friends. After I was back on my feet and the sad empty feeling was still there, I called my doctor, crying, you get an appointment real quick AND on a Saturday morning if you call and cry about being depressed. Kind of funny, kind of not.

So during that appointment we talked a long time about what was going on in my life and I told her all the things above and she said she was going to tell me something I was going to hate. I had no idea what she was going to say. Every single person I have told this story to has known the ending but me. She told me I needed to quit grad school. Bam. That did sting, confirmation that you really can't do everything. Friends, you can't do it all. I am proof, I fell apart when I tried, now not everyone is dealing with chronic pain but it made me realize how much women try to do and how much we suffer from it, our bodies, our minds, our families. I needed to slow down and it took a Medical professional to make me realize it.

Where is God in all this? Right here beside me. On the days I don't want to get out of bed, He lifts my head. When my prayers are groans, he hears the words in them. He knows what I need. When I need to be me for my kids He gives me the strength to be that all day and then fall into bed and rest. I am not feeling better yet after taking my medication for three weeks. I have faith that I will be me again.